The Kiss
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: Set after Charlie gets back from visiting Ross but before she and Joey get a proper chance to talk...


**The Kiss**

I've kissed my fair share of people. I was thirteen when I did it for the first time. You know, properly. More than a peck on the cheek or lips with boys when we were playing kiss chase in the playground, I mean. It was on my first ever date with a boy called Mark. He was my age and we were in the same class at school. We out for the day to a country park and had a picnic. I knew he was going to kiss me and I was so shy. I kept laughing uncontrollably and stalling every time he leant closer and brushed my hair out of my face. It was nice, I guess. A bit wet. But he was sweet and I liked him. We used to walk around hand in hand, picking out the kinds of places we were going to live and how many kids we were going to have. My life was so different then. It was so simple. He moved away and our romance was cut short. His father had lost his job so they had to relocate to somewhere cheaper and smaller.

Then there was a boy called Grant. I was so proud when he asked me out. He was _the _boy to date if you could. He was top of his class at everything and played for all the school sports teams. I thought he was so handsome. He took me to the movies and he kissed me in the back row. I should have known then that something so tacky could only spell trouble. We dated for a few months. He smoked and I didn't like the taste of cigarettes in my mouth but apart from that, I quite liked being with him. Until that day. My whole life changed that day. He wasn't happy with kissing. He wanted more. I said no. So he raped me. I don't know how to tell you. I don't know what I'd say, even though you're probably the person who would understand most in the world. I haven't wanted to burden you with it. I've never told anyone what happened. Only my Mum, Dad and my Auntie Michelle ever knew. There were so many consequences to it, consequences I could never share. If the truth came out, I think my life would be over. But I wonder if I might tell you. I wonder if I might one day open my mouth and tell you the truth. But you're so lost yourself right now, it's so hard for you to keep going and you're so fragile that I couldn't burden you yet. Maybe in time.

I didn't kiss anyone after that for a long time. When I was seventeen, I tried to go on my first post-rape date and I stood him up. I was so frightened. I made excuses and saw him again but when he tried to kiss me, I ran away. He didn't give me another chance. I don't blame him. I was a bit of a freak by then. When I went to train for the police, I dated a few people on and off. I got back into the flow of life and managed to start again. But nobody ever lasted. I guess I kind of went the opposite way of being afraid of boys. I never considered girls. I started kissing anyone who wanted me. I jumped into bed with a few people I shouldn't have. I'm not exactly sure what I was searching for but something was definitely missing. I kept reading all these romance novels and watching TV shows and movies where leading men swept their leading ladies off their feet. I kept waiting for that perfect moment where choirs of angels would sing and I'd know I was with my soul mate.

When I moved to Summer Bay, I started dating Roman. He was gorgeous. Well, you've seen him. Even though men aren't your thing, you must be able to recognise when someone's good looking. I thought he was amazing. And I kissed him so spontaneously and then I ran away in embarrassment. I liked him so much even though while we were together, he constantly shut me out and pushed me away. I kept thinking with each kiss, everything would slot into place and I'd realise he was the one. But his heart was never in it and mine was doomed to be broken.

I kissed Miles too. I don't know if you know that. I know we've talked about ex's and stuff but I don't remember if I mentioned him. I don't think even Ruby knows and I tell her almost everything. I feel like I could tell you everything. I feel like I could pour my heart out to you but I worry it would never close. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust you. It's so strange. I want to lay myself before you and bear my soul. But I'm so afraid. It's not something I've done before. It's not something I ever thought I was capable of. Like I said to Miles that time, I kiss first and think later. I don't know why I went for him. I mean, he's a lovely guy but I'm not attracted to him. We were off searching for a teenage runaway. She'd been raped and it had torn her apart. We were sharing a hotel room and it just happened. I was still hurting from my break up with Roman and I guess I was trying to rebound. But he was a gentleman and didn't take advantage of me. For that, I think I'll always be grateful.

Angelo and I fell into bed at the beginning of this year. He'd flirted with me from the moment I met him last year. We were just trying to console each other during a time of trouble. Until he killed Jack, I thought there could be something special between us. And even though it was an accident, he still lied about it and he still took away one of my best friends. He's in prison now and he'll probably stay there for a long time. I won't lie, being with him was hot. I lost myself for a while. I managed to escape all the pain I was in. And he made me laugh. He didn't make me laugh the way you do though. I feel like everything I've ever been through, every person I have ever dated, has been leading up to you.

And yet, I didn't see you coming. I had no idea that I could ever be attracted to a woman. I thought you and I were just best friends. I didn't realise there could be any more to it until Ruby pointed it out. Then suddenly I realised everything I'd been feeling for you wasn't normal. When I wake up, you're the first thing I think about. When I go to sleep, I wish you a silent goodnight. I dream about you. I think about my day in terms of when I get to see you. I smile to myself when I think about you. I've only ever got nice things to say about you. You make me so happy. And I think you're so beautiful. If I'm so straight, I shouldn't be checking you out the way I do, should I? But I do. I gaze at you when you're not watching me. I take in your face and your body. I think you have the most beautiful, expressive eyes I've ever seen. I get lost in them. And I always thought you had the softest looking lips. And now I know you do. You're etched in my memory. Your beauty increases every moment.

I lied to you. That day on the boat, I wanted you. I guess you know that now. Dancing with you, I felt so free. I was so happy to be spending that time with you. I lied about the lunch date. I don't know if you've worked that out. I was nervous of spending time with you. I was nervous of falling in love with you. And I did. I love you, Joey. I don't know how it happened but I am. I 'cancelled' my lunch date because I was having one of the happiest days of my life. I told you things about myself that I've never shared with other people. And then when we were dancing, when the music changed, all I could see were your eyes. I know it was me who reached out to you first. I was willing you to make your move. I was so desperate to be close to you. But then I panicked and ran away. I knew I was about to get my moment, the one I've been searching for all this time but I was so shocked as to who I was going to share it with, that it left me running scared.

That's why I went on a date with Hugo. That's why I let you down and nearly got you killed. I take full responsibility for what happened. If I hadn't pushed you away, if I hadn't abandoned you, then you would never have left me. And then Robbo would never have been allowed to hurt you. He never would have got the chance. That day when I saw him on the beach, when we should have been at the lighthouse having our picnic, I felt so possessive of you. I didn't want him looking at you or even thinking about you. It made me feel violently angry at the thought of the way he had hurt you, the way he'd touched you. And then when I came into the Surf Club and saw Hugo chatting you up, I hated him. I didn't want anyone stealing _my _Joey, taking your attention. It infuriated me. I didn't want anyone looking at you or wanting you. You're mine. I don't want you with anyone else. So, I guess I need to decide if I want to be with you. I know I can't have it both ways. If you're not mine, you'll end up being someone else's.

I want you to be mine.

What am I doing? I hurt you so badly and I let you get abducted. You nearly died. I was so close to losing you. I was so close to not being able to save your life. When I pulled you out of that bathtub, I was in tears as much as you were. Watson pretended not to notice but I felt like I would have died if you'd slipped away. And I was so angry when I realised that she'd let you go. I had this awful feeling that nothing had changed and that you were still planning on leaving me. It broke my heart. I knew I had to make you stay. It was so hard for me to express every crazy notion that was racing through my mind. So I kissed you. And I got my moment. The world stopped.

I know I panicked. That's why I went to see my Dad, to try and clear my head and understand what's happening to me. I thought if I left you, if we got some space, I might work my way through it. But the thing is, I wasn't able to stop thinking about you long enough. And I hated being far from you. I thought about calling or texting so many times but I didn't know what to say. I'm home now and you're desperate for an answer from me. So I've written it all down. I've written to tell you everything in my heart. I know we were interrupted tonight but I didn't leave you on purpose. I guess it's worked out because now that I've stayed up all night writing this, I think I'm just going to hand it over and see what you think.

Joey... I love you. I don't know how to go forward with this exactly but I know that I need to keep you in my life. I don't think I could live without you. And I know I can't let that first kiss be our last. As I said when I started, I have had my fair share of kisses but that was the one I have been waiting for all my life. That was the kiss that stole my breath away, that swept me off my feet. _You _are the one who makes me complete. I am so desperate to tell you that I love you, to tell you that you're the only person I have ever fallen in love with. You're the only person I ever _want_ to love. And I want to kiss you again. If I haven't hurt you too badly. If I haven't let you down so much that you can't love me. Please, please tell me we have a chance. Please come and kiss me again.


End file.
